distance...

I miss him...

I've talked to him a couple of times...
Seen him a couple of times...
but it's different now...
we're different...
at least, I'm different...

so maybe I don't miss him as much...
but I miss the way I felt about him...
I miss the way he made me feel...
I miss caring about him...

love

when I think back on it, I know I did love him.
I loved him as much as a 16 year old girl could love a boy who didn't love her back.
I can't say it was real love, because I have absolutely no idea what real love is, but maybe, it could've been. who knows?

we've gone our seperate ways, and I'm ok with that, but I'll always care for him.
he still stirs up all of the good feelings he always brought out in me and he probably always will.
In the years to come, I think I'll still jump at the chance to be with him.

I'll probably find someone that I will love more than him, who will love me back, just as much, but J will always be the first guy I really fell for, the first guy who broke my heart.

Fireworks...

I love the lights in the sky...

they remind me of him...
of that night we shared gazing at the sky focused on those fireworks...

it hasn't even been a month since I last saw him...
but I miss him already...

I only wish we weren't both so busy these days...
maybe soon we'll find time to hang out...

I wonder what he's doing...

questions...

now that it's all over... will I have regrets?
should I still make the effort to talk to him?
are my feelings for him even the same as they were?
or have the rush of the past two weeks changed me enough to change the way I feel?
have I found someone else to fall for?

is he now a part of my past?

yearbooks...

with only a few days left of school, yearbooks are out.

we've already exchanged yearbooks and written in them...

I wrote about our memories, our good times together...
writing as a friend, I told you how I like you and all the reasons why...
also in a friendly manner, I told you that I loved you and would miss you...
I told you that you'd better not be a stranger...

you wrote about our good times, all of your silliness...
you reminded me what a dork you were...
as a friend, you wrote how you loved me and would miss me...
you wrote, "to my one and only dance partner"...
you reminded me that you weren't too far away and told me to be sure to visit you...

your reaction to my words was really sweet...
your words made me happy...

thank you...

the future...

he's going to UCLA.
I will be in Irvine.
there's exactly 33 days until we graduate.
what then?
will it pass as another phase of our life, only to be looked back on?
will it mean anything anymore?
will I feel anything if I no longer see him?
will it still hurt?
will he remember me?
am I ready to move on?
will I have to?

I hate that I feel all of this...
our futures hold such opposing views, how can it ever work?
he wants to find a wife, have kids, and work a 9-5 job.
he knows what he wants, and he'll succeed in getting it.
I want to see the world, to change it...
I have no desire to settle down any time in the near future.
I know what I want, and I'll succeed in getting it.

so why do I care so much about him?
he'd be happier without me.
we're better off as friends.
we'll always be, better off as friends...

the past...

the other day, I saw Ryan.
this is the guy I liked before I fell for him.
he looked great, and seemed more mature, though deep down, he was still the same guy I liked back then. even though its been a while since I last saw him, I could still feel our chemistry. it was obvious that we liked each other and that we had a connection, but our age gap seemed bigger then and we let our friends get in the way, and then, we both fell for other people.
it kind of makes you wonder, what if?
I mean, when he smiled at me, I had to smile back.
he hugged me three times before he finally left.
the awkwardness at first quickly melted away and it was like we had stayed close.
he gives me a different type of feeling.
I don't necessarily wish that things were different, I'm content with my current interests...
I am just thinking... there is a lot to think about in life...